How to describe Masturbation

Masturbation song by Jon Lajoie

agitate the burping gecko agitate the leak
arm wrestle the one-eyed vessel
auditioning your finger puppets
backstroke roulette
bash the candle
be on familiar terms with oneself
beat off
beat the bed flute
beat the bishop
beat the dummy
beat the meat
beat the stick
beef-stroke-it-off
bleed your weed
blow out the brains of charles the bald
blow your load
blow your own horn
bludgeon the beefsteak
bop the bologna
bopping bob's breakfast meat
bopping richard
box the jesuit
boxing bald bull
boxing the one-eyed champ
buff the banana
buff the mahogany
buff the rifle
burp the worm
butter the corn
cane the vandal
charm the snake
choke kojak
choke the chicken
choke the sherrif and wait for the posse to come
chrome the dome
churning the foreskin butter
circle jerk
clean your rifle
clear the snorkel
climb the greasy pole
climb the tree
clobber the kleenex
closet frisbee
clutch the camel
coat prince william sound with love oil
coaxing scooby through the hoop
come to grips with yourself
cook the cream of cock
coralling the tadpoles
crank the love pump
crank the shaft
crank the two stroke engine
create a seal-a-meal
crown the king
cuddle the kielbasa
cuff the carrot
dance with johnny one-eye
date with miss michigan
date with mother thumb and her four daughters
date with rosie palmer and her five sisters
decongest the weasel
defrost the fridge
diddle
dig for change
dishonorable discharge
do battle with the purple helmeted warrior of love
do that crazy hand jive
do the han solo
do the pork sword jiggle
do the rattlesnake shake
do the secret handshake
do the solitary rhumba
do your homework
doin' the joycelyn boogie
doing a lot of rapid one-arm pull ups
doing the finger dance
doing the long stroke
drain the monster
drill for oil
drive the skin bus
driving stick shift
dummy coming
dunder the devil-dolphin
elect the president
elongate the macaroni
engage in hand to gland combat
engage in safe sex
erotic visual entertainment
escort the one-eyed postal worker out of its denim cell
fasten the chin strap on the helmet of love
fax the pope
feed the ducks
fire the flesh musket
fire the surgeon general
fish for zipper trout
fish with dynamite
fist fuck
fist your mister
fist-kebabing
five against one
five finger sonata
five fingered friendless fandango
five knuckle shuffle
flay the emperor
flick the bic
flog the corpse
flog the dog
flog the dolphin
flog the dong
flog the frog
flog the hog
flog the log
flog the mule
flute solo
fly solo
fondling rhonda
fondle the fig
freein' willy
friction magician
friggit
frost the pastries
gallop the antelope
gallop the old lizard
gargle the gargoyle
get a date with slick mittens
get aggressive with your noodle
get the german soldier marching
get the glue stick
get your palm read
give it a tug
give yourself a low five
go blind
go on a date with handrea and palmela
go on peewee's little adventure
go read the playboy one-handed
going skiing with one pole
going to disneyworld
grapple the gorilla
grease the pipe
grease the weasel
greasing your nightstick
grope the magic meat stick
hack the hog
hammering the love steak
hand gallop
hand massage
hand shandy
hand work
handblower
handling business
hang the 23-inch ghost
hang the old man
have a j. arthur
have it off
having a sherman
having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
help put mr. kleenex's kids through college
here comes moby
hitchhike to heaven
hitchhike under the big top
hold the sausage hostage
hold your own
holding a staff meeting
hone the cone
honing the bone
hug the hog
hump your hose
iron some wrinkles
jack hammer
jack off
jamming with elvis
jazz yourself
jerk off
jerkin' the gherkin
jerking jamby
jerking the turkey
jizzlobbing
juggling the coullions
kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
knead the knockwurst.
launching the hand shuttle
liquidate the inventory
lope the mule
lube the tube
make friends with big ed
make friends with righty
make instant pudding
make the bald guy throw up
make the leak gurgle
make vanilla shakes
make wall art
make your creator foam
making glue
making your mother blush
mangle the midget
mangling the mouse
manipulate the mango
manning the cockpit
manual override
marry the widow wrist
mashing the monster
master bacon
milk one-eyed willy
milk the banana
milk the lizard
milk the monk
milking the bull
milking the cow
milking the malt dragon
milking the moose
molest the mole
nerk your throbber
obeying your master
oil the glove
onan's olympics
one gun salute
one man show
one-on-one's self
pack your palm
paddle the pickle
paint the pickle
paint the walls
palm-a-la
pat the robertson
pat the soft schlong
pearl the oyster
peel the carrot
peeling the chilies
perform diagnostics on your mantool
pet your dog
petting your polly
peter beater
phone the czar
play peek-a-boo with mr. johnson
play solitaire
play tag with the pink torpedo
play the one-stringed guitar
play the skin flute
play uno
play with the spitting llama
play with your turtle
playing pocket hockey
playing pocket pool
playing the pipe organ
playing tug-o-war with cyclops
playing with your pleasure zone
playing yank e doodle
pleading the fifth
please your pisser
plunk your twanger
pocket pinball
pole vaulting
polish percy
polish the baguette
polish the beak
polish the rocket
polish the sword
polishin' the bishop

polishing the family jewels
polishing your knob
pop the cork
pound off
pound the bald moose
pound your flounder
pound your pud
pounding the gavel
practicing a little self-whittling
practicing self abuse
prime the pump
pud wrestling
pull the colonel sanders heimleich manuever
pull the handbrake
pull the weed
pull the wire
pull your taffy
pulling the goalie
pulling the pud
pulling your root
pump the electric goo gun
pump the gas at the self-service island
pump the pope
pump the python
pump the stump
punch the munchkin
punishing woodrow for uppity behavior
pushing the button
put your thumb in the porridge
raise the mainsail
ram the ham
reaching for the skies
relieving stress
relish your hot dog
rent the mannequin
ride the great white knuckler
rob the rod of its suace
romancing the bone
rope the pony
roughing up the suspect
rub one out
rub the magic lamp till the genie comes out
rub the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
rub the pink eraser
rub the rhubarb
rub the rod
running it up (and back down) the flagpole
running the cheetah
sample the secret sauce
sand wood
say a private prayer in the church of the first holy monkey
schnauzer shuffleboard
scour the tower of power
self love
serta solo
shake hands with abraham lincoln
shake hands with jack mcnasty
shake hands with john thomas
shake hands with mr. happy
shake hands with mr. president
shake hands with the general
shake hands with the midget
shake hands with the wife's best friend
shake hands with yul brenner
shake the dice
shake the sauce
shake the sausage
shaking hands with the bishop
shaking hands with the unemployed
shaking your thing
shampooing the rug
shellack the shellaleigh
shemp the hog
shift gears
shine the pork sword
shining your helmet
shining your pole
shoot skeet
shoot tadpoles at the moon
shoot the goo
shoot the sherbert
shootin' putty at the moon
shooting for the moon
shuck the corn
skinning the mule
slam the spam
slammin' the salmon
slap the big-nosed rasta man
slap the salami
slap the yogurt pistol
slapping pappy
slapping the clown
slapping the flesh gopher
slapping the salami
slapping the stallion
slicking the willie
slinging jelly
smack the oompa loompa
snake fondling
snap the whip
solo play
spank elvis
spank the frank
spank the ham
spank the monkey
spank the wank
spanking the cheetah
spill your juice
spit and stroke
splicing the cable
spoonin' the cream
spork the dwarf
spucking
squawk the guavel
squeeze the cream from the flesh twinkie
squeeze the juice
squeeze the lemon
stew in your own juices
strain the main vein
straining the noodle
strangle the serpent
stretch the beanpole
strike the pink match
stroke off
stroke the burping gecko
stroke the poker
stroke the satin-headed serpent
stroke the squirmin' german
stroke the wiener
stroke your twinkie
strokin'
summon the genie
swell the sausage
take a shake break
take herman to the circus
take the jocelyn elders midterm
take yourself in hand
tame the shrew
taunt the one-eyed weasel
tease the weasle
tenderize the meat
tenderize the tube steak
test your battery
the art of unisex
thrapping
three stroke handsaw
thump the pump
tickle my fancy
tickle the ivory
tickle your pickle
ticklewigglejigglepickle
torque the fork
torque the pork
toss the pigskin
toss the salad
toss the turkey
toss yogurt
tossing off
training the dolphin
treat yourself right
tug the slug
tugging the tapioca tube
tuning the antenna
turning japanese
tweaking the twinkie
twist the crank
twist the tool
umm..nothing, dude...i'll be out in a minute
unload the gun
use the force
varnish the banister
varnish the flagpole
visiting anderson's tool shed
violate the hedgehog
wake the dead
wake wee willie
walk the dog
walk the snake
walking the plank
waltzing with willy
wank
warm up dinner for the altar boys
warm up the instrument
wave the magic wand
wax on, wax off
wax the car
wax the carrot
wax the dolphin
wax your surfboard
wax the walrus
whack the wookie
whack off
whack willy
whip the bishop
whip the dummy
whip the rat
whip the puppy
whip the stiff
whip the weasel
whip up some sour cream
whip your dripper
whipping off
white storm rising
whitewater wristing
whittle the stick
whizzin jizzim
windsurf on mount baldy
wonk your conker
wonk your donk
work out a stiff joint
work up a foamy lather
wrestle king kong bundy
wrestle the eel
wrestle the one-eyed trouser snake
wrestle with the bald champ
wring out your rope
wring out your rope
wrist aerobics
yank the crank
yank the yoyo
yank your plan

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